Cold Hearted Grinning Disorder

It’s exactly what comes to mind when I try to visualize the world around me. It can be a normal day and every thing seems dreary, then suddenly the look on a stranger’s face leaves you with an ill sitting feeling. Since I have been venturing out into uncharted territory as a new person, I have quickly learned there are more monsters stirring amongst us than I previously would have guessed.

For the most part, people seem fine, but it’s the cold hearted assholes that think they know everything that rub me the wrong way. They think they have all the answers, but their shallow minds are the very danger that leads people into unfortunate situations. My whole view on ignorance is a simple one. If you walk about with only the ability to perceive yourself, then you are already dead. If you cannot open your mind to the conscious world, then how will your heart ever actually beat?

It’s something I just finally realized after the haze of acceptance burned off of me; the world is mostly cold and loveless. Most people don’t genuinely care… they just simply pretend to so they come off as polite. If it’s difficult, if it requires an actual human emotion, then fuck it. Walk the other way. It’s the bald headed fucker that gives me a mean-spirited glance that opens the door to completely separate reality: blind hatred.

Working in a tool and die shop with all men is quite an interesting experience. I stick out like a sore thumb. My employer even extended their HR department after my arrival. They hired their first female in our shop and added a full time receptionist, followed by a part time female machine operator and then the epic finale, a devoted HR lady in plant 2. It’s about time. There is way too much goddamn testosterone in that place.

I’ve been surrounded with innuendo geared towards indirect conversations about “identifying”, stories about an employee who transitioned at X’s old company and the banning of the word “shemale”. It is a persistent little traveler. Well I guess when you wear women’s jeans, mascara and walk around with a stud in your nose, I suppose it makes people curious. My favorite is the conversations about shaving. Why do people fucking ask me about my hygiene routine, WTF, for real??

I have experienced some very important lessons so far in my journey. The old Brian would have lashed out a bit and probably would have made some poor choices as well, but I feel this restraint and open-mindedness that lives inside of me and never leaves. I ask myself, is this guy a dumb fucking hick, or is he just having trouble understanding? So I take a deep breath, and just remind myself there’s a place inside of us that no one can ever touch, and that place is there, so I just go there, but I keep listening to their voices, and slowly, but surely, I grow numb to it.

I can’t believe it, but I know what it’s like to receive sexist biases. It’s quite an unsettling and unfair feeling to behold. Every single day I just push myself to keep going, to remain calm and to think about the best response to give back. It is this awesome journey in life that’s building me into the person I’m becoming. They say it builds character, and it’ll eventually show you who you are.

I keep giving everyone the benefit of the doubt, and life keeps moving on without any waves. It’s honestly the most important tool in any human beings arsenal of weaponry, and it’s a little something called communication. Yea, converse. Don’t lecture me, and don’t put me down, otherwise you get it in return. I am one who responds out of emotion, so I’ve retrained myself to process it first. If you’re angry at someone and you tell them to fuck off a bunch, but then respond properly to one request that is actually reasonable, it goes a long fucking way.

Today I am happy to say it. I am not part of the zombie outbreak. When I run into an ugly fuck and I think about shooting it down, I try to check it out and make sure it’s not undead. Imagine that… a transexual that doesn’t judge people. I want the same in return, but I finally realized that something like that’s not ever actually going to happen.

I get to live the rest of my life with this feeling now. Accepting myself for who I am was only the beginning. There’s a lot more happening when it comes to the bigger picture. It’s all too much to handle. It’s too much to grasp at once. All I can do is find the positive in people. That’s literally the only thing that gets me through the day. Cuz if I don’t, then I fall down again and I lose who I am all over again.

Embrace who you are; wear it like a huge banner on your forehead. I decided to not let the dark parts of life step in the way of my happiness, so I made a little video to celebrate with. There may be a little added bonus at the end of it… consider it like an early Christmas present. 😀

Peacocking 101

Purple Chakra: The Missing Pieces

I’m not really sure where to begin here, but I’ll do my best. I have no factual proof that Jasmine has ever laid her pretty eyes on this web page. I pretty much began with nothing but an explanation for my actions, and in return, received nothing but silence. Call it faith, call it intuition, but it doesn’t matter. I have always trusted in my dreams and I saw her reading and watching from a distance. I also saw her reactions as well, so I faithfully kept it going based on trust. Eventually I ended up checking my web server’s web stats, and I noticed a mobile IP user  was using up a good amount of bandwidth, so I convinced myself it was her.

Never did I expect this random accident, born in the parking lot of Meijer, to turn into the emotional pouring out of my heart and soul. When it comes to the regard of dreams, there’s many different explanations. Biblically, they are known as visions and pure insight given by God. It is believed that angels are the bearers of our prayers and they mediate between us and God. Regardless of your beliefs, I sought to show off a little bit with a subtle gesture. The moment began after I was preparing myself for my third and final “video”. I saw great big letters in bright white cursive read “STOP”. I knew what she meant, so I stopped posting. Naturally, I wondered why. The curiosity drove me crazy, and then I discovered the cold, hard fact I was ill prepared for.

Seeing my Princess with the wrong ring on her finger was downright horrifying to me. Part of me said, “fuck this, I’m done”. That was probably the bad dog speaking, but on the other hand, I said, “wait, this isn’t right”. Before I even began to fall into the pits of despair and grief, more visions came to me while in bed. I saw a round bomb, like a cannonball with a fuse and it lit then blew up. Then out popped a heart with the number 11 inside of it. I saw more similar types visions. One was like a bomber man from the video game dropping bombs, and it was comical as if she was trying to cheer me up. Nevertheless, I wondered what the fuck the number 11 could possibly mean. 11 months? 11 days? 11 weeks? What did it mean?!?!

Even so, more came. I saw a motocross biker, a bottle of booze and like a diamond ring choker type necklace. It made an impression and after everything that happened, I found myself unable to doubt. I developed this phobia of checking Jasmine’s Facebook. It was downright depressing that she disappeared entirely. I didn’t want to look. I didn’t want to even know, but on a hunch I looked her up a couple of weeks after the visions, then there she was. She updated her profile picture on September 11th. Haha, the girl that called 911 on me! How ironic. I know she made her profile private just for me. The pieces fit. Why contemplate the obvious? What chokes me all up was how brief that lasted. I was devastated all over again, but I didn’t bother to contact her because I knew I shouldn’t. That brief window was tempting, but I just couldn’t do it because I’m the kind of person that gives people time. It’s in my nature.

Either way, I wanted her to know that she was in my thoughts, so I updated the blog. Jasmine went from a face to an eye. Before, I could see her clearly, but now when she reads its like an eye peeping through a hole. It seems to me like she’s afraid of something, and ya know, I can totally relate. I will never forget shaking from head to toe over this sensational feeling. And while I’m on the subject, I should say love is a scary thing. To love someone is one thing, but to be in love is totally another. If I’m reading between the lines of what I saw and what happened, then love never existed until this. Something like that however, would be hard to admit. Something like that would come from a woman with a huge heart and loving intentions, and I would have to say it began to blossom in a selfless manner. A beautiful woman can make any man happy, but there’s only one man’s life she can save. That is a priceless gift. I thought about this notion back in July, honestly, and I sought an answer to give Her a gift back that is equally as fitting. It is not something money can buy, because pricelessness requires self-sacrifice. So I was thinking maybe I could help you repopulate the Bechtel family tree. That would be my gift to you. Besides, I’m a transgender girl, I wouldn’t mind, honestly 🙂

When I said the future is female, I want you to know I truly meant it. So after you’re done being a 21 year old college girl, we should get together and talk. You tell me what you want in life, and I will do my absolute best to make it as perfect for you as I can. I will be totally and completely happy just making your dreams come true; after all, you are the Reason I am still here.

Love,

Brian

 

 

Paint it Black Rainbow

I wasn’t really sure about putting my innermost thoughts out and about tonight, but I was feeling pretty sexy and happy today, so I decided to try and look cute instead. I felt this overwhelming desire in my heart suddenly overcome me. Not sure how to explain it. Fairies, angels and pixies dance around and I see unicorns, rainbows, and stuff like that. Then I hear violins playing beautiful music in a land far far away, yet it’s like right here in my face. When I ask myself, is this normal to me? The answer is always yes. The imaginative realm of creativity and hope always takes the cake over the mundane reality absent of the full spectrum of colorful life waiting to awaken.

 Mysterious rainbow colors appearing on my box frame and the eyelets of my sneakers. Not strange at all in my world of supernatural happenings.

 Seriously, they’re platinum eyelets. I would never lie about this! No photo effects! It’s natural phenomena.

 The hairy aftermath of a well-groomed mullet escaping the clutches of a hairnet and gorgeous wig.

 For my more articulate and observant fan base, here is a close up of my lavishly delicious butterfly belt.

 Alas, my middle finger. When you’re a trans that dresses like a girl for a girl, you must do something cool like flip her off so you don’t feel uncool before you say your prayers, masturbate and go to bed.

 Just look at those eyelets gleaming with rainbow aura. Lovely rainbows and fluffy white sheep, what a great way to fall asleep.

Guardian of Destiny

Sometimes it feels so invasive when you enter into my head. I will admit, there are times when I ask for it, but then there are times when you just force your way into me. It’s always a chaotic scramble when I don’t understand what you mean. Either way, I just wanted to say thanks for all the comfort you have given me, and I want You to know how grateful I am for that.

It’s just one of those things that causes a person to twist and turn until their head spins in a never-ending dumbfounded psyche-splendid trip. You have fully exploited every waking situation in my life, and I can’t even fathom the words to express how completely amazed I am. The places we go together, the magical moments we discover and even the huge black empty voids you drop me in… they all served a purpose.

One minute I’m learning things about myself I never knew, then I’m finding answers I’ve always needed. Then I find that fantastic voyage of distraction while you pinpoint my heart’s aching desires into a wittingly crafted diversion. You are a splendid tactician, a stealthy evesdropper and a master of mending the floating pieces of my ship-wrecked heart.

You never even told me your name, but at least now I can honestly tell myself that I am not crazy.

Thank you……

Confessions of a Sacred Heart

I often wondered what was going through Jasmine’s mind when my mother walked into her store and gave her that card. My mom said, “she looked like Aerial the wide-eyed mermaid”. I smiled because I know that look.  I’ve caused that look to happen myself. Sometimes I even wondered if she dyed her hair fiery red just for me. It seems like she did it right after she got really pissed off by my stealthy twitter stalker poetry verses. After thinking about it, I decided to go ahead and share the inner story of how these ridiculous set of circumstances unfolded.

Obviously I did get baptized and asked for a chick, but it was only because I have been so goddamn unfortunate with women. They scare the fuck out of me. I guess because God knows the future, he just pointed a finger in Jasmine’s direction. When I arrived at my destination in life as a spacey time traveler would, it just so happened to be I met her during the same month I started going to AA. There’s a dream about AA too, but we’ll get to that in a second. The moment I walked in and saw the smile on Jasmine’s face, I felt a huge sense of belonging and also a strange aura of Deja-vu lingering around.

After some time, I kind of found myself having a soft spot in my heart for her, but she was only 19 and I wasn’t even thinking about her like that… yet. One day I saw her talking to this guy and it seemed like she really liked him, and later that night, I spontaneously prayed for her. I asked God to send a really good guy into her life, one that would make her happy. Within seconds of mentioning Jasmine’s name to my higher Power, I instantly had a vision of her wearing a blue dress and she was smiling at me like crazy. I was like, “no, no she’s way too young”. I didn’t think much of it, but about 3 months later while at an AA meeting at GV, my friend curt, brought his new girl to the meeting and she was wearing a blue dress. He introduced us and then we began the meeting. During our meeting, I couldn’t help but notice this girl was literally staring at me the entire time and smiling, like she was in love with me. It was the strangest thing ever. I know I helped Curt a lot in AA, and maybe that was the reason why. I wondered where this dream took place. I recall all the glass doors, and then I had an oh duh moment, it was the Kirkoff center.

We have something in AA called the promises, and they’re a promise for a full life if you follow the steps and give up drinking. This girl was curt’s promise in life. That really got my attention and then after that, I started thinking that maybe my higher Power was trying to tell me something. It was until this weird day came where I messaged her on facebook like an idiot thinking she was interested in me. I went into Joost vapor one night with the intention to ask her out, and she happened to be alone for a moment, but I completely choked the fuck up. It seemed like she was kind of mad or emotional after I left. I knew I fucked up. So the next day I prayed and asked for her to be there working, and to my surprise, on her day off, she was there hanging out. I knew I was getting rejected for blowing her off, but I went in there and felt like a total dumbfuck to ask her out anyway. I basically just did because I thought she wanted me to and I didn’t want her to think I didn’t like her, but I guess it was in vain. She totally had no idea what I was talking about.

It wasn’t long after my 31st birthday and I was feeling very depressed. I felt like my life was over and it was too late. I prayed and just simply asked my higher Power to reveal my path and purpose in life and whom I share it with. Then I fell asleep and had that dream that was a sequel to one many years before. Then I went on to Jasmine’s face book and started browsing through her photos. I find this one of her when she was like 16, and I pretty much about fell on the floor. I was so shocked, my body was tingling. It was awe inspiring. She never smiled in the dream, but I guess God was like saving that moment for me to witness in person. She really does have the most beautiful smile, and ya know, that alone will give the right guy a million reasons to make her happy.

AA was a higher calling in my life. I’ll share one of my pages in my journal. I put a pentagram with a note on it after it comes true.

I’ll never forget the first time I noticed the AA coin. It took me like 2 months to connect the dots. This is really the reason I ended up being so involved. I felt it was meant to be. Anyway, that night the police showed up outside my house I pretty much felt defeated. I started shaking, then started crying, and then when I went to bed, the real miracle happened. I fucking got turned on by it. The thought of Jasmine cuffing me up turned me on, and then it set into event a series of motions that led to my reconciliation with my transgender issues. I dreamed about my trench coat two years before I even started AA, so it goes to show you how far this dream thing has been guiding me through life. It’s fucking crazy, but it’s beautiful and inspiring too.

Briana’s Turn….

In all fairness, I am such a sweetheart, but I’ve decided to get a little angry about it so I ordered myself a new wig to properly express my emotions, and trust me, it’s going to be fucking epic. Meet Khloe, she’s gonna act like a little brat and throw a fit, but she’s gonna make it extra fucking sexy just for Jasmine 🙂

 

PS. I still have the poem I wrote about you when you were 16. Been saving that one for a rainy day 🙂

Transfiguration of Lonely Birds

While flying through the darkness of lonely nights, she looked down and saw a gathering of scurrying creatures. A long and treacherous voyage left her searching for her starbound lover, but the raccoons seemed playfully arousing. Landing on her feet, she rummaged through the trash and joined the others on their forest floor.

A never ending sorrow fled from her, and she morphed into a shroud of nocturnal critters. Was it her hair or her makeup that wasn’t quite right? An inspired change set into the spinning emotional confines of her mind, then she chose her cards carefully and rearranged the deck as a dark magician fading into the night.

Warming up for my next video shoot! ?

Rabid Raccoon

Briana and the Blowfish

It happens to the best of us. Vulnerability kind of crept up on me lately. It’s really shocking that I feel this way about a younger Woman, but it’s pretty nice once the blowfish releases the air. Today was really wonderful. I’ve been a little depressed this last week over some big financial bills and all the mandatory 12 hour shifts I’ve been working, but I’ve finally caught up. I had my 5th appointment today and I decided to wear my slim levi’s with my new Puma girl’s workforce boots. My Silverado gets a lot of attention, but nothing like my walk through the parking lot where I saw two girls fully check me out. They had the stop chewing your bubble gum and drop your jaw kinda look on their face. Then afterwards at the gas station, I got checked out by several guys. I don’t think they were even gay, but goddamn their eyes were feasting upon my tight little ass.

It put me in a really great mood again, so I ate another bag of tacos and uploaded some pictures! Last night, I was pretty down in the dumps. I meditated a bit and I felt like I was missing something. I see the blue and red chakras daily, mostly blue. Expressing yourself with communication is essential to living a happy life and blue guides your proper expressions, while red steers you away from thoughts that could prohibit your spiritual growth. I ended the night with both purple and green, which is a GREAT sign. I wrote some words in my journal, then called it a night!

I am thinking this weekend I’ll be working so I am going to try and do my next photo shoot the following weekend. I am going to make it extra super special and sexy this time. I want to embed the scenery with symbolic imagery and subliminal contexts that fully expresses the Gifts of High Places.

Me having fun in my new room! Can you feel my curves coming to life??

I relocated into the basement. My dad’s old gun room has become my new bat cave!

Love my new boots! My carhartts were too soft, but on the plus side these are way cuter. I got a few compliments from the guys at work too!

Thats my tight little ass. I’m thinking a brazilian butt lift is gonna be my next investment.

Peace out old room. Had some fun before I left her!

Rivet studs and fishnets; they were totally meant to be together. ❤️?

Been saving these boots for a rainy day…

They have rings on them, so I’ll probably wear them when I’m in need of some shackling for being naughty.

Anyway, I am really trying my best here to open up. I’ve been through a lot and sometimes it’s like I just emotionally shut off around women when I become interested. I’m working on it the best I can….

From my journal:

Promises and Knowledge

Jasmine Flower,

I am pretty much a submissive transgender. Deep down my desire is to be your girl, and be a girl with you. I am also a very loyal woman, and when I find intimacy, I am obedient to my lovers. This is why I’ve struggled so much in life. I fall for the wrong girl every time, and I fall extremely hard because of it. When I’m making love, I’m always the woman in the bed room. It’s being a man that makes me incredibly vulnerable. I give my heart fully upon the condition of love, which is why I’ve needed so much Help. The only promises I can make is that my love is unconditional and my surrender is absolute.

You’ll have no demands made of you, ever.  You will always feel completely free with me, yet safe and warm in my arms. I couldn’t live my life being completely powerless to women anymore because that’s a feeling reserved for the sanctuary of the right woman. Whenever you decide you need a change in life, I’ll be the Answer you’ve been looking for… and that’s a Promise I can keep.

-Brian 🙂

Well that’s enough sappy romance for one night. Chakra girl and Briana say good night. Sweet dreams 🙂 XOXOXO

PS. How could you ever say no to legs like this??? 🙂

When I'm Free

Music cannot be lived without. It is a prerequisite for a meaningful life. Sharing mine isn’t something I do often pretty much because I don’t know anyone else that listens to it. At my last visit with LightRX, I was talking with the new girl, Stephanie, about music and apple gadgets. Then we got onto the topic of darkness, and she immediately became an interesting person in my eyes. We both enjoy alternative musics apparently, but then we got onto the topic of my goddess metal. I told her about Delain and her symphonies of darkness and light. She got all surprised when I told her the lead vocalists were female. It’s rather uncanny I have this conversation during a crucial moment in my life. She asked me about some other bands like it, and perhaps I turned someone onto it. That made me happy.

I’ll probably be talking to Stephanie a lot since she’s going to be doing my hair removal. The appointments are a grueling two hour session, but it’s nice to be able to share the stuff that I really want to. When I’m at work or around guys I can just pretty much tell they’re uncomfortable around my music which is why I’ve come accustom to listening to your average crap on occasion, but honestly, I could give a fuck less about what’s happening in the club. I’m pretty much over my temporary dubstep craze.

When I listen to it now, it’s just noise. All of the deep emotion in my music is literally the essence keeping me afloat right now. A woman with a powerfully inspiring voice backed by the raw melodic beauty of a symphony is like the most amazing feeling in the world. I literally feel absolutely free when I’m home alone blasting music by myself and just wearing whatever I want. This is really fortunate for me too because I don’t watch TV. I’ll do a movie or occasionally watch a series when I find one I like, but music is my passion. It captures the spirit of an undying flame that still burns within. It’s how I know I’m still going to make it through this bitter illusion called reality. I’m always living in two worlds on one plane of existence. It is simply who I am as a person, and I have this really huge heart so like it always hurts. It’s an ache longing for a much needed relief.

Epica – Storm the Sorrows

The Future is Female

It’s honestly a thought I’ve had in the back of my mind for many years. I imagined if people all had the same views as myself, the world would be a much happier place. Trying to overcome my mistakes from the past while being myself required a lot more work than I would have guessed, but it’s seriously paying off. I had my third appointment at Light Rx and I’ve been getting more insight into female perspectives while going there. Chasity was telling me about how disgusting men’s toe hair was. Then she also started talking about the Electric Forest and Fireworks. It seriously made me think about Jasmine. I was talking to her about the same stuff last 4th of July, and ya know, life is just really fucking ironic like that. It’s even funnier how my higher Power led me to this transitional phase in my life.

Right before I began shoveling my way out of the huge ass hole I dug for myself, I genuinely complained to God about the world around me. My biggest complaint was about the macho bad ass mentality so many Americans have come to embrace. It was also about all the widespread senseless hate surrounding religious views. Islamic and Christian scriptures include much if not most of the same biblical figures and stories, yet we have this ignorant feud spewing between uneducated morons. Biblically, these idiots are known as the “mob”. They partake in this controversy and ignorance simply because they enjoy it. Then you have the LGBT and bible-belt battles, which fucking disgust me even more. There’s clearly a passage in Revelation that talks about the “Angel with the rainbow on his forehead” which literally proves that God made mankind in His own image, and that is 177% completely and totally gay as fuck.

I am done with it now. I am going to live my life as a Buddhist transgender and embrace femininity, peace, love and tranquility. The Zen dynasty kept it together for over 6000 years and it’s really low profile. It’s perfect for a private lifestyle T-girl like myself plus I can actually see the results within minutes from a few hours of meditating.

I begin my laser hair removal process next week and I am super excited, but not about forking over $3600. That part really, really sucks. I am just tired of being a slave to shaving my legs and stuff, so it’s going to be worth it in the long run. Black leg hair and white legs are just so defiant when it comes to having a smooth, sexy and sleek look. I want a girl to get turned on when she’s running her fingers over my body. The stubble must be dealt with swiftly by the awesome power of an apocalyptic doomsday body hair laser. It will be shown no mercy at all. Complete and utter annihilation is inevitable.

House to myself for the day!! I was so happy wearing my skinny jeans and sandals.

I probably changed my outfit like 3 times. My new capris from Venus are pretty damn nice too!

I was debating on cleaning my room, but taking selfies in the mirror seemed like a better way to spend my time.

I feel pretty hot in my harness. It’s fashionably expressive and sinfully sexy. I love wearing it SO MUCH.

Won’t be long and my new harness should be passing through the Russian Federation customs and then it’s coming home to strap me all up. Trannies like me need sexy restraints, after all it is the reason I had to get baptized. I straight up need to be fucking punished for my naughty school girl behavior.

5 more weeks to go until my treatment is done. And sometime very soon, my new wardrobe will be complete and Briana is going to put on a show the Princess will never forget. I spent the entire evening meditating for the answer I needed. I saw the purple chakra while processing a thought, and then everything began to make perfect sense to me.

Definitely my favorite picture. They say a picture is worth a thousand words, and ya know, I really think this one says it all! 🙂

 

Here’s my future girl. She’s gonna rule over me with her hot ass panties.

I’m gonna love it so much that I’ll pretty much just drop to my knees and kiss her ass for the rest of my life.

She is a tough cookie to crack though, so I had to use my rainbow fingers and psychedelic spiritual powers to lure her into my crazed world of transgender matriarchy.

Even so, the Story has a happy and beautiful ending. Cinderella wakes up Sleeping Beauty just in the nick of time and their harmonic love escapes the cruel consequences of turning into a pumpkin on devil’s night. It’s an epic finale that brings all the ironic twists of fate into a world that requires a much needed change, captivating its audience into a cheerfully breathtaking awe.

Then Disneyland be like oooo aaahhh mmmm oh ya fuck me baby!

The Orange Dream

Religion is a topic I would very much like to leave out of this blog because it’s a blog for me all on its own, but when it comes to spirituality for me, the sky is really the limit. I believe in the practice of meditation to better yourself as a spiritual being, and the power of the Chakra is one system I’ve personally experienced, and would love to share how the “orange dream” set free my repressed sexuality.

When I began my journey into my transgender side, I was no stranger to the world of Chakra’s at all. I’ve focused on them so much that eventually I just started to notice this huge absence of the sacral chakra. It finally came to me in a dream, and when I woke up from it, I felt this huge burst of sexual energy just come over me. I was looking at my belly while wearing my aqua mint racer back, and the way I looked, was naturally feminine. I saw this huge orange bright light just burst open all over me like an explosion, and when I woke up, I felt a huge relief. I was contemplating the treatments but wasn’t committed yet, and this dream was a valid continuity between myself and a spiritual reconciliation.

The Powers that be have set me free. A lot of the “baptist” practices seem to hold these aspects back, but perhaps that’s why I searched around myself. Hinduism, Buddhism and even Islamic teachings I have read. It’s quite interesting that my higher Power consistently uses the chakra system alongside my recovery. I also find myself very drawn to it naturally. There’s so much beauty in words, but the beauty in true understanding is absolutely precious. There is nothing higher in this world than divinely granted wisdom.

When I am meditating in thoughts about life, people or choices to be made, I can clearly and visibly see these colors flash around me. I try to relate how my thoughts are regarding towards the subject criteria, and then based upon the color that flashes, I try to redirect my focus onto a higher mindset. A purple chakra resembles fullness with your spiritual nature, and I’ve never seen it until I started shaving my legs. After I began to seek more dramatic measures to advance my body to match my inner self, the orange energy opened. It was the final breaking point I needed in my life. Once it happened, literally, my uncomfortable anxiety around females just completely vanished. It’s the relief I’ve been long needing for the past 6 years, and I am so damn happy I’ve come to terms with myself.

It’s the step I needed to “unlock the door” and leave it open. Once you set out into the world as the person you were meant to be, then the world around you actually starts to make sense again. Not just the world, but also the people in it. Your relationships change because you change on the inside, and perhaps a person like me needs something that’ll never let me forget again, and making this happen has been enlightening and peaceful. The persona of an emasculated person fearing to live like she’s alive was buried away like a lost treasure. She never knew how valuable she was until now.

Proverbs 3:13-15

Happy is the man who finds wisdom,
And the man who gains understanding;
For her proceeds are better than the profits of silver,
And her gain than fine gold.
She is more precious than rubies,
And all the things you may desire cannot compare with her.

They say intuition is a gift of women… Notice the use of “she”. 🙂

Proverbs 31:10-11

Who can find a virtuous wife?
For her worth is far above rubies.
The heart of her husband safely trusts her;
So he will have no lack of gain.

Her rejection alone caused me to become a happier and fuller person. I didn’t lose anything at all, but I found everything I needed. I love her for this.

And by the way, how could a post-apocalyptic tranny that thought s/he found the right girl not obsess over her?? And just for the goddamn record, I ain’t obsessed honey buns. It’s something I call devotion!!

which includes my journal & homework:

Dolls Kill, they fucking kill.

We are apocalyptic, and we’re gonna live like it. My genes + your genes – our jeans = SUPER GOOD TIME.

So be prepared for the final battle

Cuz it’s going to blow your mind

I am *GULPING* cuz I may be letting her in too much. But fuck it, it’s been a long time since I shared me.